Ask Lynn: Advice on love
By Lynn Harris Dear Lynn,My Aunt Sonia died yesterday at age 86, having never married. My mom thought that she had been “too picky.” She was a great lady, and I never once heard her complain about being alone.
OK, now let me tell you about me: At age 20, I married a dishonest, emotionally abusive man and stayed in that marriage until age 41. Would you believe I thought no one else would want to put up with me? Talk about brainwashed!
Surprisingly, over those years of marriage, I completed medical school and started my own solo practice. Unfortunately, I trusted the ex to run the business, and he embezzled hundreds of thousands of dollars from me.
It’s now been five years since the divorce. I have made a fair comeback financially, but I’m emotionally exhausted: I just can’t care about anyone else. The last time I tried to date was four years ago, but now the fear of becoming obsessed with a guy scares me off. I tend to be an all-or-nothing person.
I also figure that I don’t really need anyone: I’m financially independent, I enjoy my work, my beloved employees, patients, intellectual challenges and exercising. Dare I say that I am finally happy? It’s really nice to get home from work, watch the news, and go to bed. I might die like Aunt Sonia, alone in a nursing home, but I hope I’m not lonely when I do. What do you think of my situation?
– Daria
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Honestly, your life sounds pretty great to me. In many ways, I’m sure, the life you have set up for yourself — including the way you have moved on so sturdily from the Emotional Embezzler — would be the envy even of someone with a wonderful lifetime companion. I am delighted that you are, as you say, finally happy. (And I am, by the way, very sorry about your Aunt Sonia.)
I will also say for the record that it’s perfectly normal and fine to feel happy without a partner. Some folks are more lone wolves than others, to be sure. And many of us have felt the exhaustion you describe even without a spectacular romantic flameout like yours in our pasts. You should not wonder if something is wrong with you for feeling this way.
Clearly, though, some doubt is niggling, or you wouldn’t have written. Am I right?
Here’s the thing. It is fine not to want a partner. But you don’t need “incentive,” as you say, to have a companion. You don’t need to need extra income, you don’t need to enjoy partner sports, you don’t need to feel lonely in order to think it’d be nice to have someone around to, you know, share the driving. To kiss on the sleepy cheek when you head out in the mornings.
You do seem to set a lot of store by being independent, and that is admirable. But I would offer that being partnered does not mean being dependent. It means being interdependent. In the healthiest relationships, you are aware both of how much you need each other, and of how you really would, if you had to, be OK on your own.
So I’m not saying you have to buck up and go find someone. I’m just saying you can both live your life just as you are and be open to someone new. It’s perfectly normal to be gun-shy, even after five years, so maybe don’t start by dating per se. Start by meeting new people in recreational or professional settings. See what happens. No pressure.
Again, this is only if you feel like it. Maybe some days you will, some days you won’t. If you are happy, that is wonderful. But if there’s stuff that’s lingering from your marriage that is — in subtle and not necessarily devastating ways — keeping you from exploring yet another avenue to happiness, then well, I don’t want that to be yet another thing that you ex stole from you. Ask yourself some tough questions and maybe give yourself some more challenges—I know you’ll find real contentment no matter what.
Lynn Harris is co-creator, with Chris Kalb, of the award-winning website BreakupGirl.net—you can visit BG’s blog to discuss this letter! She is also the author of the new comic novel Death By Chick Lit. A journalist and essayist, Lynn also writes about gender, dating, and culture high and low for Salon, Glamour, The New York Times, and others. In her spare time, she enjoys being married. Submit your own dating questions for Lynn at BreakupGirl.net. Your question may be answered in a future column.