Suddenly single? Ask Dr. Gilda
By Dr. Gilda Carle, Ph.D. Dear Dr. Gilda,I was with my ex-husband for almost two years. We had our problems, but what ended our relationship mostly was his closeness to his ex-wife. I couldn’t take her involvement in our lives anymore. I moved out, yet my ex and I stayed in touch and remained friends. Now he wants more. His ex is out of the picture, and he speaks to her only through their son. He’s making the changes I wanted while we were together, but I feel it’s too little, too late. I’m still very hurt.
He says he’s sorry every day. He says he can’t stop thinking about me and wants to date me and re-marry me. I still love him, and I’m afraid that I’ll be throwing away my shot at happiness if I don’t give him a second chance. But I can’t forgive him either for all the times I came last in his life, behind the ex-wife!!! How do I move past this?
– Been There, Been Hurt
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The thing that worries me most is your statement, “I’m afraid that I’ll be throwing away my shot at happiness if I don’t give [my ex-husband] a second chance.” You sound like there is only one man in the world—and he’s IT. While your loneliness is telling you to take him back, don’t forget that his ex-wife was not your only issue. You said, “We had our problems.” Have you forgotten those? OK, you were hurt by his ex-wife’s intrusion into your lives and his unwillingness to stand up to her and declare you as his prize. For whatever the reason, he now sees the errors of his ways. But what about those other pesky “problems” you had, which were never addressed? They’re sure to return. How will you handle them now?
You say you “still love him,” but is it love or fear of being alone? You say you can’t forgive him “for all the times I came last in his life.” But you can never return to someone you can’t forgive! Otherwise, you’ll be badgering him with reminders of all the wrongs he did you, and your marriage will crumble again.
This is where you must begin now:
- Determine your real motive for considering a reunion with your ex.
- Whether you choose to have him in your life or not, learn the art of forgiveness. As my Gilda-Gram says, “Forgiveness is meant to release you from the burden of your anguish.” It involves two steps: Forgive yourself for remaining with this man. Then, forgive your ex for not being wise enough to embrace you fully as his wife. After you have learned to forgive, you may feel differently about wanting to re-unite with him.
- Date other men! You moved out of your marital home, yet you admit, “my ex and I stayed in touch and remained friends.” This sounds like two people who refused to let go of each other—which means you never truly had a shot at being single.
Relationship expert Dr. Gilda Carle, Ph.D., has a private practice and is an associate professor at Mercy College in New York. Her best-selling books include 99 Prescriptions for Fidelity and How to Win When Your Mate Cheats. Please visit her website and send your relationship questions to her at DrGilda@DrGilda.com.