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Does your date drink too much?

By Margot Carmichael Lester Nashville resident Suzie Coates had no idea she was dating an alcoholic. “He hid it very well in the beginning,” she recalls. “I saw a great person with lots of potential and loving, caring, giving qualities. But when drinking took over, all that was lost. I would not have even dated him in the first place if I had known about his drinking.”

At this time of year, with all the holiday parties, it’s easy for someone with a drinking problem to lose control. And if you’re seeing that person, you may wind up with a fate similar to Coates’. What should you do then? Start with these two tips:

1. Understand social drinking versus problem drinking. “A social drinker can take or leave a drink,” explains Robert Chapman, an addiction therapist at The Ranch in Nunnelly, TN. “A problem drinker does not have the choice to take it or leave it. Social drinkers might use a drink to relax and enhance who they are or their experience. For an alcoholic, it becomes their primary need or a core necessity.”

2. Look for personality and behavior changes. Problem drinkers often exhibit significant personality changes when they drink, says Christopher Knippers, a psychologist in Rancho Mirage, CA: “Certainly if the person repeatedly becomes irritable, or even embarrassing when drinking, it indicates a problem.” It’s also a red flag if your date becomes chronically late, unreliable or irresponsible. Also be on the lookout for unexplained gaps in his or her schedule with no logical explanation and a negative change in your lovemaking. “If this sounds like someone having an affair, you are right,” Knippers says. “Problem drinkers are having an affair with alcohol.”

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If you think you’re dating someone that fits this description, our experts suggest discussing it together. “Start by expressing all the things you like or love about your date and then say that you are concerned about some things that you have noticed in relation to how much your date is drinking,” Knippers says.

Here’s how:

• Be specific about what you have noticed that concerns you.
• Do not sound angry. Your date is going to be defensive enough, but anger from you will only make those defenses stronger.
• Do not argue. Say what you have to say and then drop it.
• Give your date time to think about what you have said before you demand an answer.

“If your date is overly defensive or refuses to get help, you can help by setting very clear boundaries about what is and is not acceptable drinking for you to be around,” Knippers notes. “You can tell someone that he or she is free to drink as much as feels comfortable — and that you are free to not be around after that person’s behavior has started to change.”

Your best course of action: Have an escape plan for when your date starts getting drunk — and use it. “This will allow your date to experience the negative consequences of drinking to excess and provide an opportunity to make a change in behavior,” Knippers notes. But don’t make idle threats. If you say you’re going to go, you have to be willing to go.

No matter how the conversation goes, there is one thing anyone dating a problem drinker should know, Chapman says: “Alcoholics are powerless when it comes to drinking, and confrontation may not make a difference. It is totally in the hands in the alcoholic to reach out and ask for help.” And your date’s choice about getting help or not is, in truth, out of your hands. “You should not leave under the pretense that you are asking or expecting your date to get help for your sake,” Chapman adds. “You are leaving because it’s the right thing for yourself and you also understand that there is no hope for change until the problem drinker reaches out for it.”

And if the drinking continues? “Get some self-respect and leave the relationship,” Knippers says. “The longer you stay, the lower your self-esteem will drop and the harder it will be to get on with a productive life for yourself. Taking this first step might be just the thing your date needs to understand that it is time to get help.”

That’s how it’s been working out for Coates. She cut off contact and started working on herself. “His addiction forced me to look at myself and things deep within me that needed repair,” Coates says. In the meantime, “he finally decided all by himself, while living on his own and with other losses in his life, that he needed help for his disease and sought it. Today we are both in recovery — he attends AA and I attend Al-Anon meetings. Together we are learning a new way to communicate and relate to each other within our relationship. While it’s not all smooth sailing yet, it has gotten a lot better.”

Remember: If you’re dating someone with a drinking or other substance abuse problem, you don’t have to go it alone. Seek counsel from Al-Anon or your community. You will learn strategies for dealing effectively with your situation.

Freelance writer Margot Carmichael Lester lives in Carrboro, NC.