Bringing up your bad past…
By Jon Wilde A month ago, Kelly Stein met a guy and quickly realized that he was someone she wanted to be with for a while. But the 25-year-old Brooklynite had a problem. A secret, really. Only three months earlier she had broken off her engagement to a guy she’d been with for four years. “I don’t know if I should tell the new boy,” she explains. “And even if I wanted to, I don’t know how. I don’t want to have him think I’m fickle and scare him away.”Whether it’s a past substance-abuse problem, a failed marriage, an STD, or something else entirely, most of us have a concern that we desperately want to share with our partners—especially before he or she finds out from someone else. Here’s how to get the weight off your chest and in the process, take your relationship to a whole new level.
Timing is everything
Only you know when you’ll feel emotionally comfortable enough to open up, but Dr. Susan Campbell (www.susancampbell.com), author of Truth in Dating: Finding Love by Getting Real, offers one guideline worth following: “As soon as you see that there’s potential for a long-term relationship, then you should start up the conversation.” That could be anywhere from the first date to a year into the relationship, depending on chemistry. But even if you’re well into “serious” territory and worried your partner will question why you waited so long, don’t let that deter you. “Open the conversation with, ‘I wish I would have told you sooner. But I’m bringing it up now because I realize how important you are to me,’” explains Dr. Campbell. Better late than never.
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It’s tempting to break heavy news by email or phone because the physical disconnect provides some emotional armor. But distance is the opposite of what you’re trying to achieve—which is a closer, more honest relationship. That means talking face-to-face, preferably at your place or his or somewhere almost as private (since you obviously won’t want the subject matter to become public knowledge). Besides, it’s tough to have a meaningful discussion if you’re literally blind to the other person’s reactions. “You want to see the non-verbal responses,” explains Dr. Campbell. “You need those visual cues to respond properly” and handle the discussion as well as possible. Also, your date might get upset by the news, and you wouldn’t want to be in a very public place if the conversation becomes more emotionally charged.
Show your growth
While it’s generally the realm of corporate lawyers and Michael Jackson’s PR flack, you can do your own damage control by talking about how you’ve become a better person for having gone through your particular experience. “Explain that you’ve made a mistake, but that you’ve learned from it,” says Dr. Joel Block (www.drblock.com), author of Naked Intimacy: How To Increase True Openness In Your Relationship. “It shows that you have an understanding of your history.” Plus, it’s a subtle reminder that whatever happened is in the past—not the present. Now that’s good spin!
Be prepared
The Boy Scouts may not have offered much in the way of a Soul-Bearing Badge, but their motto — “Be prepared” — can come in handy once you’ve decided to share your secret. According to Dr. Campbell, rehearsing what you plan to say is a great way to build up confidence going into your big moment. That doesn’t mean you have to practice an Oscar award-style speech in front of your mirror, but you could try jotting down a few key points you’d like to make. Also, keep it short and sweet, advises Dr. Block. “Say it in less than three minutes,” he advises. “You don’t want it to come across as me, me, me.” And you don’t need to over-disclose every last gory detail, either.
Make them laugh
While it won’t work for every secret, a little levity can go a long way towards breaking the tension of a difficult situation. “For instance, instead of saying that you were married twice before, you could joke, ‘I’ve been really successful in relationships—I’ve only been divorced twice,’” says Dr. Block. Humor lightens the impact of what you’re saying, and makes the other person think, If he can be so comfortable with this, then I can, too.
Listen as much as you talk
Congrats on making it past the hard part, but this isn’t over yet. More than likely, your sweetie is going to have some opinions about your revelation—and now it’s your turn to do the listening. “Don’t get in an argument or become hyper-defensive,” coaches Dr. Campbell. “Hear what the other person has to say. You can explain yourself, but don’t interrupt while they’re trying to explain their feelings.” Honesty in a relationship means sharing yourself and letting your partners share themselves.
See it through to the end
Whether out of pure shock or an attempt at the bliss of ignorance, your honey may clam up when you’re done opening up. Give this person a chance to collect his or her thoughts — either by talking about something else, going to the bathroom, or just saying, “I’ll give you a moment to process what I just said” — but come back within 15 minutes and re-open the subject immediately. “Most people who share a secret and don’t get the response they want end up withdrawing, and that’s a mistake,” says Dr. Block. “This discussion is setting up how the relationship is going to function in the future.” It doesn’t bode well for your future if neither of you can talk through the tough stuff. But a mature, understanding discussion on both your parts? That points towards a healthy, open relationship for years to come. As Martha Stewart would say, that’s a good thing.
Jon Wilde is an editor at Maxim.