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Ask Lynn: Advice on Love

By Lynn Harris Dear Lynn,
About six months ago, I confessed my love to a woman I’d been friends with for the last two years. We feel a really strong connection and compatibility, but here’s the problem that’s come up: She is a control freak, and I am more of a free spirit. I thought she would be a complement to my disorganization and procrastination. However, it is starting to seem like she has to be in control or she gets very stressed out when things do not go exactly as planned. She seldom allows me to make plans for us or be spontaneous. How do we find a balance so it's not "all about her?"
-Spontaneous Steve

Dear Spontaneous,
Good for you, brave Steve, for confessing your feelings! You may be a disorganized procrastinator, but you sure got your act together on this one.

Now, about this clash in your styles. It’s a problem, but it’s not necessarily a deal-breaker. My dad, for example, is organized and exacting, while my otherwise excellent mom, bless her heart, is — how shall I put this gently? — a slob. But they are super-happily married. They each let the other do their own thing their own way (separate closets have been vital), but they’re also each willing to bend and amend where it matters.

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So you’re not going to get your love to not crave and need control. But you can talk to her about the specific aspects of her inflexibility that make things tough for you. You mention the problem with making plans, so let’s take that as an example. Schedule a time with her (she’ll love that!) to sit down and talk. Say, “I love you just the way you are. I am not trying to get you to change. But I am trying to make room for both of our personal styles in this relationship. I would love, for one thing, to have input into making plans for us; it’s something I’d really enjoy to contribute. How about we make one night a week Steve-Plans-It Night? You know, I get to decide what we do and surprise you.”

I can’t imagine she’d say no, especially if she gets to input it as a weekly entry on her PDA or day planner. Then you can come up with all sorts of spontaneous-feeling, nutty fun, like jumping in the car and driving 30 miles just for some really great pie. Honestly, I bet she’ll get used to it, even enjoy it, especially as she sees that her entire way of being is not threatened. Also, allowing for these nice, contained moments of freedom and letting-go in her life just might help ease up her stress at other times. You can then begin to compromise on other areas where you are feeling a bit hemmed-in and over-controlled.

And remember: This gal was willing to take the possibly messy risk of dating a friend, and the friend she chose was not someone just like her. I’ll bet she’s got it in her to meet you a little closer to halfway.

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Lynn Harris is co-creator, with Chris Kalb, of the award-winning website, BreakupGirl.net and author of the comic novel Miss Media. A journalist and essayist, Lynn also writes about gender, dating, and culture high and low for Salon, Glamour, The New York Times, and others. In her spare time, she enjoys being married. Submit your own dating questions for Lynn at BreakupGirl.net. Your question may be answered in a future column.