Quiz: Are you too nice?
By Jessica Brown 1. It’s your first meeting and your date mentions s/he wants to read the new David Sedaris book. You:a) Offer to lend out your copy when you’re done with it
b) On date #2, present him/her with an autographed copy you bought on eBay
2. Your special someone got a nasty cold that’s going around. You decide to:
a) Offer to stop by after work with the funniest picks from your DVD collection
b) Ditch work to spend the day with him/her, whipping up a batch of your mom’s chicken soup while you’re at it
3. Your date cancels on you at the last minute with a weak excuse and no apology. You:
a) Say you’re disappointed and upset not to have more of a heads-up
b) Tell him/her “no problem” and never mention it again
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a) Explain that you’re not a fan of the movie’s star, then offer up a good “compromise” flick
b) Accept, then grin and bear it
5. You offer to treat your sweetie to dinner, but s/he chooses a hot new spot that’s way out of your price range. You:
a) Say you’ve heard the place is super-swanky and hard to get into—does s/he have a second choice?
b) Make reservations—who are you to disappoint?
6. Your date emails you Monday at lunchtime to thank you for a great Saturday night out. You respond:
a) Later that night
b) Immediately
7. Your squeeze of a couple of months is celebrating his/her birthday soon. You’ll find the perfect present at:
a) A card store and CD shop
b) Tiffany & Co.
Mostly a’s: Nice and Easy
You’ve probably been guilty of some over-the-top niceness (hey, we all have), but people who fall into this category are generally comfortable with themselves and the dating process—and don’t go overboard, says Dennie Hughes, the New York-based author of Dateworthy. Compromise is key for you: You don’t play games or try to be someone you’re not to satisfy someone else. “The minute anyone feels they have to do this in a relationship, that’s the cue to bail!” she says.
Mostly b’s: Sickeningly Sweet
You may think you’re on the road to romance by showering your special someone with gifts and giving in to his/her whims, but you could be taken for a ride, says Hughes. “These gestures seem sweet at first, but you’re likely to get taken advantage of because you’re seen as a pushover,” she says. “Most people are attracted to mates who can set boundaries.” Besides setting yourself up to be hurt, giving too much of yourself too soon can also make you seem too needy, scaring off potential paramours.
To change your super-sweet ways, examine what’s motivating you. Being too nice can actually be a defense mechanism. After all, if you mold yourself into the ideal mate, it allows you to tell yourself that you’ll never get dumped.
Here’s a tip to try: Next time you get the urge to send her dozens of roses (yet again) or drop everything to watch baseball with him, ask yourself: “Am I doing this because I really want to, or because I need to look perfect?” If the answer is that you’re doing it because you feel you have to, or that it’s a standard you have to uphold, guess what? It’s time to scale back, relax, and let love happen with a little less effort.
Jessica Brown is a New York-based writer and editor whose work has appeared in Fitness and American Baby.