Are parent issues ruining your love life?
By Nicci Micco We’ve all heard people explain romances gone awry with comments like, “She’s got daddy issues,” or “He’s just a momma’s boy.” The truth is, it’s totally normal for issues with parents to “feed forward” into romantic relationships, causing conflicts, says Laura Roberto-Forman, Psy.D, professor of psychiatry at Eastern Virginia Medical School. You may not even recognize how your upbringing can impact your love life, but looking into your past can put you on the path to a happier future. Once you understand how your family history influences your love life, you can start to break old patterns that may be interfering with true romance. Here are common examples—and how to solve them.The problem: You put yourself first—and expect whomever you’re dating to do the same (and possibly even put you on a pedestal).
What happened? Can you say “Daddy’s little princess?” Mom and Dad gave you a great life: Tons of attention, lots of “stuff.” There’s nothing wrong with that—unless more than one ex has called it quits, saying you’re selfish. Your charmed childhood may have set you up to think that you can always have it your way. “Children of over-giving parents sometimes expect their partners always to be attentive to their needs but usually aren’t attentive in return,” says Diana Kirschner, Ph.D., author of Opening Love’s Door: The Seven Lessons. “This gets old fast. Good relationships are about give and take.”
How to put it behind you: If you’ve been accused of being self-centered, take a good look at yourself and ask yourself where it’s getting you. “Generally, getting your way all of the time doesn’t make you happy on a deep level,” says Kirschner. So try turning things around: “Do three nice things for your partner each day or each week, expecting nothing in return,” suggests Kirschner. By practicing giving instead of taking, you’ll change your patterns.”
The problem: You bail at the first sign of a serious relationship.
What happened? Your parents weren’t around when you needed them. Maybe they were preoccupied with work, or perhaps they struggled to divide their attention between you and your siblings—whatever the reason, Mom and Dad weren’t able to provide all of the nurturing you required, so you figured out how to take care of yourself. Now you’re extremely independent, a trait that probably pays off in the workplace but can get in the way of relationships, says Kirschner. If you’ve been self-reliant for years, it’s natural to feel anxious about letting someone else have power over your emotions. You protect yourself by putting the brakes on a budding relationship before any real feelings form or by falling for emotionally-unavailable types.
How to put it behind you: If you’re really looking for love, you have to let down your guard a little. Next time you find yourself about to blow off yet another romantic prospect, resist the urge. Instead, take one little step forward: Agree to a second (or third) meeting. Take a risk in this way, and you may get an incredible reward.
The problem: You try to do everything for your mate—and we mean everything.
What happened? You were the family member who could fix any problem. Maybe your mother relied on you as a confidante because, even as a kid, you always offered a reassuring perspective. Or maybe you knew how to distract your younger siblings and stop them from fighting. “If you’ve always been the family hero or heroine, you probably feel as if you need to be needed,” says Roberto-Forman. Problem is, now that you’re grown up, not everyone appreciates it when you swoop to the rescue: Let’s say your sweetie is annoyed by your habit of always trying to find him or her a new, better-paying job.
How to put it behind you: Spend time identifying your needs—and fulfilling them. Reacquaint yourself with interests and hobbies that fuel you. Let your partner focus on his or her own issues. Teach yourself to recognize that enriching your own life is as important as doing so for someone else.
The problem: You’re overly critical of the person you’re dating.
What happened? You probably had perfectionist parents. If you didn’t get all A’s, they were deeply disappointed. Or maybe you didn’t measure up to their standards in other ways. Even if the critical comments seemed to roll right off your back, they may have left soft spots in your self-image, says Kirschner. For example, if you were deemed “lazy” as a kid, you might get annoyed when your partner doesn’t appear to be productive enough.
How to put it behind you: Next time you start focusing in on a partner’s “imperfections,” stop and listen: Whose voice are you hearing? Could it be one of your parents? Then, ask yourself if your expectations of this other person are really fair. Here’s why this works: By becoming aware of the negative patterns your parents may have unintentionally ingrained, you can stop and learn new ways of reacting. This, in turn, will free you up to “create the kind of love and understanding that you really want,” explains Kirschner.
Nicci Micco, a contributing editor for Self, lives in Burlington, Vermont.