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The ambiguous gentleman

By Jason Davis There are times in a relationship when a straight answer can be your worst enemy. On these dangerous occasions, ambiguity can be a valuable tool for evading uncomfortable silences. It’s important to remember that the female method of accumulating knowledge is a more passive model than that of the male. Women prefer to let things come to them, while men are keen to go forth and declare. For example, a man might define what he’s looking for in a woman and seek out that description, while a woman will more likely have a general idea, but be willing to adapt to a likely candidate that comes her way. Men are more rigid, while women are more flexible.

Men can exploit this difference in psychology by understanding that women often don’t require the same level of precision than a man would when answering questions. If she asks for directions, she usually won’t want you to detail the mileage between each two points on the route or an account of which lanes will be the most advisable to take on the way. Often, a list of landmarks she’ll pass and corners at which to turn will suffice. Similarly, an explanation of the exact mechanical reasons for changing the oil in the car will provide her with more information than she will want. Just tell her how often it should be done and the particulars of why can be left unsaid.

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How does this apply to relationships? Glad you asked. Sometimes it’s not always necessary to exhaust every fact at your disposal when answering a woman’s question. Because of the foregoing psychology, a healthy dose of ambiguity can often make difficult answers easier to take. If, for example, she asks you about a disagreement between her and a family member, ambiguity will be your ally. Whereas one side or the other may be clearly to blame in your mind, it is likely that a declaration of guilt on either side will lead you into conflict. If she was in the wrong, you’re taking their side. If they were in the wrong, you’re attacking her family. Here, it’s important to say what she needs to hear without saying too much. Try to avoid assigning any blame and focus on bringing the two sides into agreement. In this way, you’ll appear to favor her without condemning the other side.

Another opportunity for ambiguity’s employment rests in the classic “Twenty Questions” scenario that often leads men into dangerous waters. Women love to ask questions and men often seek to answer definitively in a way that reflects what the man thinks the woman wants to hear. This has the unfortunate side effect of locking the man into a statement that he may regret later. It’s important to remember that women never forget conversations like these and your answers can return to haunt you for years after you’ve issued them. Once again, vague is in vogue. Never issue a definitive statement, and you can’t be held accountable if you fail to live up to it. Politicians do this day in and day out; ambiguity is on their side, and a successful relationship can be built on the uncertainty of your answers. There are, of course, occasions where ambiguity of any kind is deadly, like if she asks, “Does this dress make me look fat?” You’d better be definitive in your response.